genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
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There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
“I FIXED IT!”
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”