“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
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Sell your car
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
We decided to have money instead of children.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
REPORTER: *asks question*
POLITICIAN: that’s a great question and thank you for asking it *answers a different question*
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.