Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
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getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no