Extremely relatable.
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We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Ironic
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
[Walking around the office]
*Sees nosepicker*
*Hears burper*
*Smells gas*Boss: What are you doing?
Calculating the…”Gross Margin.”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?