Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
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wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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M:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too.