And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
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Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
what’s more important?
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
it’s a van. how do they not know this
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.