I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
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Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”