If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody