Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.

Black ice is just like regular ice…

Except it’s a better dancer…

I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between

my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped

St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago

Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.

[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

Discovered my husband thinks the candy is called “whoopers” and I may never recover from this

“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”

Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?

Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?

There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.

Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.

Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!

Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!

Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

Me: you’re leaving me?

Her: [walking out]

Me: is it all of my-

Her:

Me:

Her:

Me:

Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses

Me:

Her:

Me: -dramatic pauses?

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.

Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.

My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.

A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

3 things you never get back :

A word after it’s said

Time after it’s passed

Your pen if I really like it