If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
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[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
Wise advice
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Don’t tell me what to do
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”