It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
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Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”