TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
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Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
[watching #diving]
ME: Huge splash! Nice!
ANNOUNCER: That splash will cost her a medal.
ME [changing channel]: The Olympics are garbage.