me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
stand with me against insufficient seating
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.