How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
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Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
When you’re Kinky but poor
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Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.