How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
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Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.