Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
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*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝