Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
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ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”