I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
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Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
Meow
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.