angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
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*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.