A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
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I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
😂🤣😂🤣
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.