Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
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I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
This is my pinned tweet
Cilantro tastes like soap.
– People who eat soap, apparently
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
welcome back
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm