God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
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The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?
Amateur.
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.