cat vs inanimate object
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[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
BRO LMFAO
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Florida man
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.