On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
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At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.