after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
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Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
The three genders.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
This could’ve been an email.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.