I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
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Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
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Me)PRINT
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Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I created you as mosquito food.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
HR said no more nunchucks.
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.