I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
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What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
sir, my pâté if you please
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.