Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
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My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
#ParentingFacts
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.