Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
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I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
A French press is when you hug naked
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
u guys got any snacks onboard here
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.