Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired

Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?

Ex Girlfriend:…

[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

[at White Castle]

clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen

[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!

Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.

Me: Oh great, another reboot!

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.

A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee

I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.

My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days

Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake

It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews

Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats

Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries

Me: Even if I-

Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat

Me: *purrs*

Her: Still no

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect

My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP

Me: How much for the round lizard

Grocer: That’s a lime

My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!

Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—

Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM

friend: you watch anything good lately?

me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways

friend: who

me: William Wonka

Breaking news: