@markydoodoo
@causticbob If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
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@causticbob 
@nowthisnews Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
@rockymomax [pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
@abbycohenwl [spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
@lanyardigan Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
@man_in_radiator I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
@QuebecTango I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
@thepaulasuzanne Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
@QwertyJones3 Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
@Cornjerker78 4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.Me: Who is it?
4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.
Me: Son of a ….