I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.

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If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.


[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha


[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S


I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.


Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.


4yo *holds out a play cellphone*
It’s for you.

Me: Who is it?

4yo: Someone about an extended warnty.

Me: Son of a ….