I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
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Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen
[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Her: Still no
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold
Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
me: William Wonka