Cheer up.
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I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I bring my own pen into the bank because I don’t need any god dammed chains telling me where I can and cannot write
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk