Cheer up.
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“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
My wife wouldn’t let me sling shot candy at trick or treaters tonight.
This is bullshit.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.