Cheer up.
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Girl, same.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
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My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!