My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
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“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
“Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock”
“Who’s there?”
“An octopus”
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
Running from your problems is cardio .
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*