Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.