imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
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And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*