“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
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Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
Alice: I’m late.
White Rabbit: Haha, that’s my line
Alice:
White Rabbit:
Alice: *stares*
White Rabbit: oh shit
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Danger is very dangerous
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow