What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
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For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
notice
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on