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BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
I don’t get marriage
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?