Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
You Might Also Like
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*