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Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Inside you there are two wolves
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
I am HOWLING at this
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
You strike me as one of those people who show up and debunk all the fun in the last 2 minutes of an otherwise scintillating UFO TV program.
Meow
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
So this guy tells me he likes the way my name is spelled..
Me~
Thanks I gotta say
I had absolutely nothing to do with it.. LoL