Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
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My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!