A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
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LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”