New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
You Might Also Like
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
The judge scolded me for trying to get a crowd wave going during my trial, but deep down I think he thought it was pretty damn cool.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.