Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
You Might Also Like
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Somebody call the cops.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.