I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
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I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
wow he looks just like him
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas