The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
shampoo implies shampee
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Tuesday
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]