[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
You Might Also Like
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?