@shortyintexas 
@coleycannamama My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
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@shortyintexas 
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
@commuter_haiku Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
@AnnaKendrick47 In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
@ericsshadow 20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
@HatfieldAnne A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
@WilliamAder Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
@XplodingUnicorn 4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
@CulturedRuffian I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
@ColoradoUgly What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?