@coleycannamama

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

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@TheAlexNevil

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

@PanicRestroom

I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”

@IDontSpeakWhine

A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.

@WarrenHolstein

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

@daemonic3

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

@AtticusFinch79

I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.

@Jayson_Two_time

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

@CourtneyBale

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?

@meantomyself

Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating