@TheTweetOfGod Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
@coleycannamama My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
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@TheTweetOfGod 
@hipchkk I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
@molly7anne screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
@AndyAsAdjective What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
@Ron_White I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
@theshantilly Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
@Ygrene “Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
@meganamram I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
@JimmerThatisAll “I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
@maebemarbles *crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*