My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
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If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Caveman 1: Tell me a story.
Caveman 2: Once upon a time….
Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!