My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

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I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”


screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉


What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.


I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.


Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”


“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth


I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though


“I need a synonym for equivalence.”


“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”


“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”