My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
Not today, today.
Not today.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
What about second breakfast?