I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
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I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I’m dying louder than usual today.