@coleycannamama

My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?

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@hipchkk

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

@molly7anne

screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉

@AndyAsAdjective

What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.

@Ron_White

I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.

@theshantilly

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

@Ygrene

“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth

@meganamram

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

@JimmerThatisAll

“I need a synonym for equivalence.”

“Synonym.”

“Yes a synonym.”

“Synonym is the word.”

“It is and I need one for equivalence.”

“It’s synonym.”

“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”

“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”

“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”