People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
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They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Him: What’s your cup size?
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!