My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

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People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”


I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch

It took her 3 hours

She was so excited to be done

Then I served dinner.


“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”

–Jaws, dubbed for England


When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.


Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?


[sharing a cold one with the guys]

“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”


Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!