My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
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if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Inflation is definitely out of hand when hot cross buns are £1.25 for 4 when they used to be 1 a penny, 2 a penny.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
I know karate and tons of other words.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack