Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
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titanic
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now