What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?
You Might Also Like
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck