I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
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I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
No. YOU-buprofen.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂