I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
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I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little