The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
You Might Also Like
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
Effort made
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
October already? What’s next? November????